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‘Like Santa Doing the Tooth Fairy’s Job’
On Tuesday, the Trump administration prevented Gordon Sondland, the ambassador to the European Union, from testifying on Capitol Hill as part of the House’s impeachment inquiry. Sondland and other Trump officials had exchanged text messages about President Trump’s dealings with the president of Ukraine (which is not a member of the European Union). Trump said he would “love” to let Sondland testify but called the inquiry a “kangaroo court.”
“O.K., that’s your first red flag right there. Trump’s ambassador to the E.U. was getting involved with a country that wasn’t in the E.U.? That’s not his jurisdiction. That would be like Santa doing the Tooth Fairy’s job.” — TREVOR NOAH
“Yeah, I bet Trump was probably just scared that that ambassador would exonerate him too much. He’s like, ‘I gotta maintain my bad boy image if I’m going to run these streets.’” — TREVOR NOAH
“I mean, say what you will, but Trump is really hitting his stride when it comes to obstructing justice. He’s really in a sweet spot now. Trump has gone from saying he’s totally innocent to now blocking witnesses. This is like when you’re a kid and your brother goes from ‘I didn’t do anything wrong’ and suddenly he’s like, ‘Please don’t tell Mom!’” — JAMES CORDEN
“They’re also withholding text messages from Sondland’s personal phone, because that’s what innocent presidents do.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“Still, it’s obvious that the White House thinks he knows too much. Although in this administration, if you know anything, you know too much.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“But Sondland’s lawyers learned the administration wouldn’t let the ambassador testify after the State Department left a voice mail last night at 12:30 a.m. First off, State Department, just text. Nobody wants to listen to voice mail.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“It’s 2019. Nobody talks on the phone. The only reason to talk on the phone is to wish your grandmother a happy birthday or to commit crimes.” — TREVOR NOAH
“Trump deserves a little credit here. He’s given an enormous boost to the subpoena industry. That sector has never been hotter.” — JAMES CORDEN
The Punchiest Punchlines (Phone Spurs Edition)
“This afternoon, the White House delivered on their previous obstruction of justice with an official letter telling the House of Representatives that Trump will not cooperate with their impeachment inquiry. Yes — don’t get him wrong, don’t get him wrong: Trump would like to help with their inquiry into his conversation with Ukraine but, tragically, he has phone spurs.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“What do you mean you’re not participating? It’s — it’s an impeachment inquiry, not Secret Santa.” — SETH MEYERS
“This is an impeachment inquiry, not an office potluck.” — JAMES CORDEN
“Like, this is not the Vietnam War.” — TREVOR NOAH
“He is said to be so paranoid about leakers in his White House, he wants everyone to submit to lie detector tests. Which, I have three words for that: ‘You go first.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL
The Bits Worth Watching
Jimmy Fallon fulfilled an audience member’s request to come up with lyrics for the “Breaking Bad” theme song. The country singer Trace Adkins and a choir of fellow Walter Whites performed the tune.
What We’re Excited About on Wednesday Night
Three presidential candidates — Elizabeth Warren, Bernie Sanders and Pete Buttigieg — will appear on “The Late Show” on Wednesday.
Also, Check This Out
In his new Netflix series “Living With Yourself,” Paul Rudd plays a man who clones a better, happier version of himself.
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